Three years of trials and thankfulness

It’s been three years. Three years since my life was altered forever by a single word: cancer. I still sometimes feel as though this is all a bad dream. When I’m generally feeling pretty good physically, it’s mind blowing to think about millions of cancer cells floating around in my otherwise healthy body. It just doesn’t make sense. 

These past three years have been excruciatingly difficult. The continuous search for a successful treatment seems unending and is, quite honestly, exhausting. My life often feels like an experiment as doctors take an educated guess on what medications will be most effective to fight the disease living inside of me. Will the treatment work? If so, what will the side effects be? Will I be able to enjoy my day to day life? Unfortunately, none of this is ever known until I try. I also continuously mourn the many losses I’ve experienced because of cancer. I think about all of the things I hoped I would’ve accomplished by now — buying a house, growing our family, climbing the ladder as a nurse — and get angry that a multitude of unhealthy cells have prevented me from achieving these goals and dreams. It's not fair!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over these past three years it’s this: Cancer not only invades your body, it invades all aspects of your life. There’s no avoiding it. It follows you around like a shadow and haunts you when you sleep. Cancer is an evil thing that no one should ever have to face. It is something I hate more than anything else. But cancer also forces me to recognize all that I have and to be thankful. There’s a lot I could complain about and so many things I wish I could change about my life, but focusing on the negative just makes me even more upset. So, in lieu of lamenting my three year “cancerversary,” I have decided to focus on the good and share all that I’m thankful for, despite this difficult season of life. 

To start things off, I’m thankful for my husband. Nolan, you have stuck by my side through the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. You have never once abandoned me, and are always there for me when I need you. I know we never would’ve chosen the cards that have been handed to us, but you continue to support me no matter what comes our way, and that means the world to me. I am SO lucky to have such a loyal spouse. You calm me down in my anxious moments, and remind me not to stress about the little things. You still find so much joy in life, and your laughter is contagious. I never would’ve imagined having to tell you to “laugh quieter” as you continuously cackle at the TV, regardless of the hardships we’re facing. You are truly the best, and I am beyond thankful for you.

I am also grateful for my family. From my parents and siblings, to my in-laws, and extended family, each one of you has supported Nolan and me in ways we never could’ve imagined. We are so fortunate to have families who love us so deeply and are there for us no matter what. There are a lot of people who cannot say the same things about their own families, so thank you! Thank you for being generous with your time, money, hospitality, and love. Thank you for your prayers, encouraging words, and hugs. Although we didn’t choose our families, we couldn’t ask for anyone better, and I mean that wholeheartedly. 

Next off is our wonderful friends (this includes our families too). Whether we’ve known you since we were in high school, or met in the last couple years, Nolan and I are so fortunate to have the best friends in the world! Friends who are there for us in the good times and the bad. Friends to lean on when life is tough. Friends who have organized and attended our annual golf outing fundraiser. Friends who have sent us cards, words of encouragement, and gifts when we’ve needed it most. Friends who feel like family. Our friends are such a vital part of our community and each and every one of you means so much to us. I say this next statement with humility: people often comment on how many friends Nolan and I are blessed to have. While I never used to think anything of this, I now see this is just one of the many ways God has provided for us over the years. He knew we would need the love and support of SO many, and though we definitely don’t feel like we deserve all of the wonderful people in our life, we have graciously leaned on you all for support. For this we are so thankful. 

We are also full of gratitude for Grace Bible Church (GBC). Nolan and I have both said before that if I hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer, we probably never would’ve moved to the Ann Arbor area, and we never would’ve found our church. Finding GBC is one of the biggest blessings to come out of a super sucky situation. Through our church we have found lifelong friendships and grown deeply in our relationship with the Lord. This is, in part, because of the amazing staff who lead our congregation with wisdom and love. Since my diagnosis forced me to stop working as a nurse, I’ve had a lot more time on my hands and have been able to take advantage of that by getting more involved at church. I have found true purpose and joy through volunteering with the worship team and youth group, as well as getting involved with the women’s bible study and our couples small group. Our church community has blown us away with the support so freely given including fervent prayer, genuine relationships, and financial donations. It feels like we’ve known you our entire lives because of the ways you drop everything for us. So, thank you, GBC, for the part you have played in our story. 

While a majority of the things I’m thankful for include all of the amazing people in my life, I’m also thankful for our home. In a different world, Nolan and I would’ve bought a house by now, but we are so thankful to have the ability to rent a house that feels perfect for our family in this season of life.  A house that is close to my family, gives us the ability to host family and friends, and has a big, private yard for Curry. 

This leads me to the next thing I am so extremely grateful for. Our dog, Curry! Nolan and I both agree she is the best investment we’ve ever made. Curry, you bring joy to my life every single day. You keep me company while Nolan is at work, and show me unconditional love. You keep me on my toes, and give the best cuddles! I feel so lucky to have such a great dog as part of our family and one of my best friends. Dogs truly are the greatest companions.

Cancer has also made me appreciate the "little” things in life. Things that are often taken for granted: the changing of the seasons, having delicious food on my plate, participating in things that bring me joy such as a puzzle or playing a game, watching the sunset, going for a walk, or spending quality time with family and friends. I am beyond grateful for the ability to enjoy the things I love. Without extreme hardship and suffering it is often more difficult to recognize that many things we experience on a daily basis are truly a prized possession. I am thankful for this new perspective. While it’s definitely not always easy, I try my best to remember how blessed I am. 

Three years also makes me pause and reflect about how thankful I am to still be here. According to statistics, the average person lives for 18-24 months after their original metastatic breast cancer diagnosis. Here I am, three years later, and I may not be thriving, but I’m doing pretty darn well considering everything that’s been thrown my way. Having a cancer diagnosis has made me never take a day for granted. Just being alive is a miraculous gift!  

Along with this, I am incredibly grateful that even though I have stage IV cancer, I am otherwise healthy. It is so common to have pain, fatigue, no appetite, and a lot of other terrible symptoms. I feel beyond blessed that, for the most part, I feel good and am able to live life pretty normally. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve definitely struggled with fatigue, nausea, a weakened immune system, pain, etc., but these have usually been side effects from my medications or medical procedures. Although I'm frequently frustrated that God hasn’t answered our prayers for healing, I often wonder if He is instead answering our prayers by keeping me healthy. I can only think of two times I have been sick over the past three years and this includes colds. This is unreal considering I have been immunocompromised and we were living through a pandemic! Even more surprising is my liver and other organs are healthy despite the cancer and all the toxic medication regimens I’ve put my body through. The fact that I have little spots of cancer all over my liver, yet it still functions normally is a miracle in itself. This fills me with gratitude and is a huge answer to prayer. 

Finally, and most importantly, I am thankful for Jesus and the hope that is found in Him alone. Cancer really emphasizes how hopeless life is. I hate to break it to you, but whether or not cancer kills you, we’re all going to die. As my good friend and fellow breast cancer thriver, Kelli, says, “I may be diagnosed with a terminal illness, but we’re all terminal.” Death is inevitable. The only thing in our power to combat this is to choose to believe that Jesus came to save us and give us new life. This is a free gift and our only hope! This is why I can go about my daily life with joy in my heart. I may not know the details of what the future holds, but I know how my story will end. 

Recently in church, we sang the well known Christmas carol, “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.” Although I’ve heard this song a million times, the third verse really stood out to me: 

Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace

Hail the Son of Righteousness

Light and life to all He brings

Risen with healing in His wings

Mild He lays His glory by

Born that man no more may die

Born to raise the sons of earth

Born to give them second birth

Hark! The herald angels sing,

"Glory to the new-born king"

Jesus was literally born to die, so that we may live. Through Christ alone we are given “second birth.” I may die from cancer, but I will be resurrected with a new body free from cancer and all other imperfections thanks to Jesus’ sacrifice for me on the cross. Thank you, Jesus! 

I also love the many attributes of Christ that are described in this verse that have been so crucial to me since my diagnosis. As described above, He is the Prince of Peace. This peace has been so real to me throughout this season of life. When my world has been crumbling apart, I have still felt a sense of peace in my heart that is beyond understanding.

This world is such a dark place filled with all sorts of evil, including cancer, but Christ came to be a light in this dark world. He brings life, where there is death. And finally, He is a miraculous healer. While I have not yet experienced miraculous healing, this is something we continue to long and pray for. It definitely feels as though this may not be God’s will for

my life, but this does not mean he cannot do it. I fully believe that Jesus is capable of complete healing. After all, he literally conquered death. This makes my heart overflow with thankfulness and hope. 

This Christmas season, I challenge you to remember everything you are thankful for. The holidays can be a difficult time for many, but when you take the time to recall all the gifts in your life, it makes you feel so much better. It is also a great time to receive the greatest gift of all: our Savior, who was born in the manger. Merry Christmas, everyone! 

Cancer Unfiltered

Imagine the unthinkable: The phone call you never thought you’d have. The words you never thought you’d hear… “You have cancer.” Then the tears you never thought you’d cry. I’m not sure the initial shock of a cancer diagnosis ever goes away. There are still many days when I wake up and wonder if this is all just a bad dream. But the wide array of emotions experienced on a weekly, even daily, basis include much more than just surprise and horror. 

I was on Facebook recently and saw a question posted in one of my cancer support groups asking, “will anyone ever understand what it feels like to be diagnosed with cancer?” Many women responded saying something along the lines of, “of course not, it has to happen to you or a close family member in order to understand the deep pain and emotion. No one else understands.” Though this is valid and often feels true, I thought to myself, “no one said I can’t do my best to try and explain how it truly feels to have cancer.” So, I will try to express the nitty gritty details and emotions that are unique to those closely impacted by cancer and are not enjoyable, but are very prevalent in everyday life. While this is not something fun for others to read, I’ve been using this platform to educate and hopefully help others impacted by cancer, and I believe this will be eye opening to many. I am not asking for pity, just for an open mind and heart to glimpse how difficult it feels to wake up everyday knowing I have stage IV cancer. 

Following the initial shock of my breast cancer diagnosis described above, I experienced some of the saddest tears I’ve ever cried, as well as an anger deep in my soul. “How could this be happening to me!? It’s not fair, I’m only 26 years old with so much life to live!” I couldn’t imagine a worse scenario. While the initial emotions are oftentimes the strongest, this is not to say I haven’t experienced extreme sadness, anger, anguish, frustration, and heartbreak as I’ve lived with cancer over the past two and a half years. I have spent many nights crying in bed to Nolan, my husband, after receiving countless bad reports from medical scans. I’ve had times where I’m so upset, I have no tears left to cry. Maybe it’s because a certain treatment was ineffective, and all of the difficult side effects I experienced were for nothing once again. Oftentimes, it’s because I am repeatedly mourning the “normal” life I once had. 

This is one of the hardest parts of receiving a cancer diagnosis. You have no sense of normalcy. Every plan you once had for your life seems to get thrown out the window and snatched away from your fingertips. For our family, it was losing the ability to have children, not being able to buy a house on our “perfect” timeline, and stopping work as a travel nurse—a career I loved—all because of one diagnosis. One day changed our lives forever, for what often seems to be the worst. In addition to these big losses, come many other disappointments. When you’re in active treatment, you’re forced to take things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. As someone who is a planner at heart, this has been so incredibly difficult to manage. I find joy in looking forward to that vacation I planned, but now I don’t even know how I’ll be feeling tomorrow, or if in a month my treatment plan will change yet again.  Although I've definitely learned to be more spontaneous, take things day by day, and go with the flow, I imagine this is something that will always be especially difficult. Having little to no control over your own life is not an easy way to live and I’m sure many would agree. 

As if depression, and the inability to control your life is not enough, cancer also produces loneliness. I believe this is because of two factors: Number one, it is a relatively rare disease to have in your twenties; number two, the side effects from treatment—fatigue, exhaustion, mental fog, etc.—force you to require more solitude and resting time. 

Before my diagnosis, I would not consider myself to be lonely or secluded. I was fortunate to rarely experience alienation since I was a pretty social person. The comfort and joy I frequently found in confiding and relating to my friends was unlike any other. Nothing could have prepared me for what it feels like to be “the only one” who has to live through cancer. I know this statement is an exaggeration, but this is how it feels. Of all my college, high school, and church friends, I am the only one with a cancer diagnosis. Being the only one in my circle of friends is not fun or easy. There is a barrier that cancer has created that forces me to feel isolated. This is not to say that my friends have not been there for me. In fact, it is quite the opposite! But regardless of how wonderful my friends are and how often they reach out to lend a helping hand or listening ear, there will always be a sense of loneliness, knowing there are no people in my circle or life stage experiencing the same life-changing realities as me.

Another aspect that contributes to loneliness is humiliation. I’ve never been one to love being the center of attention. It makes me uncomfortable for many reasons.  Now, because of my diagnosis, it feels as though I’m constantly forced to be the focal point. When you walk into a room you’re sure to feel as though everyone is staring at you, especially if you’re bald from chemo or wearing a headscarf. It’s as if the whole room is staring deep into your soul and knows everything about you except for who you are besides cancer. By this I mean they really know nothing about who you are, but they for sure know you have cancer and then go on to make other assumptions because of your diagnosis. “I wonder what caused her cancer? She’s so young. I hope she’s not eating sugar because that feeds cancer.” Sometimes I just don’t want other people to know what I’m going through! I long for the days when I could blend in with the crowd. There was nothing unique about me. Just a normal twenty something woman. Nowadays, I can sense the shock and pity in strangers’ eyes when they look at me and put two and two together. This young woman is bald… she must have cancer. 

One reason this is so difficult is because it feels like people treat me differently. 

“I have to beat around the bush because she has cancer.” 

“I can’t ask her how she’s really doing because she has cancer.”

While I know that cancer is a big part of my life - trust me, I’m living in it everyday - sometimes I want it to be the last thing people see when they look at me. There’s Lauren— a wife, sister, daughter, friend, RN, dog mom, Christ follower who happens to have cancer. 

Cancer also makes you feel weak. Weak in all aspects - mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There will be days when you can barely make it out of bed because of treatment. Doing normal day to day things such as going to the grocery store or doing the dishes can seem impossible. Other times you feel as though you can’t handle any more negative news. One more mention of cancer growth and you feel as though you’ll crumble. It’s funny because one of the most common things said to those of us with cancer is, “You’re so strong.” While I understand the intent, at times it seems comical hearing this when I can barely make it through each day without having a mental breakdown, and getting off the couch is a difficult task. Because of this weakness, you’re forced to learn how to rely on other people for help. This can be humiliating and cause you to feel like a charity case. It makes you feel super vulnerable and uncomfortable, especially at first. But with time, you learn that people want to help and it’s best to accept it. 

Aside from all these negative emotions, there are a couple positives that have come out of my diagnosis. Cancer makes me feel extremely humbled and loved. Cancer has allowed me to understand how blessed I am by the amazing community I’m surrounded by. The love and support so freely given by friends, family, and even strangers is overwhelming in the best way. At times, I wonder what I did to deserve such great support. It is the biggest blessing. The way our community has rallied around us and been there for us in all of the many ups and downs is so humbling, it’s hard to properly express our gratitude.

I also do not want to dismiss the new relationships I’ve made specifically because of cancer. I know that loneliness is one of the most common feelings associated with cancer, because one of the first things you’re told to do after you’re diagnosed is to find a support group! In other words, go find some other people who are going through something similar so you don’t feel like a recluse. There is something so comforting, knowing that in reality I’m not actually the only 29 year old woman in the world diagnosed with MBC, and I am so thankful for those friendships I’ve created because of this terrible disease. 

Being diagnosed with cancer is also humbling because God knows all the details of this difficult life path. Even though there are so many things I don’t understand, I know He has a plan for my life. It’s wild thinking that the God of the universe thought I’d be able to handle this insanely difficult journey. Well, actually He knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it on my own. That’s why He blessed me with such an amazing support team and His only Son to rely on. This road is painful, raw, and, real and forces negative emotions to frequently be at the forefront of my life. But through the pain, depression, anger, loneliness, weakness, and humiliation is a God who says, “I am there for you in the deepest valleys.” 

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me and you comfort me” (Psalm 23:4). 

He also tells us, when we are weak, we will be strong.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

The Christmas Hope

The Christmas season is one of my favorite times of year. With so much anticipation for Christmas day, most people’s spirits tend to be filled with extra cheer. Words of joy, love, peace, and hope are so easily spoken—after all, “Tis the season to be jolly,” as the song says. When I think back on the many Christmases I’ve experienced, I know I’m fortunate to say that the majority of them have been filled with wonderful memories, surrounded by the people I love most in this world. Going to the Christmas tree farm, having special meals together, decorating sugar cookies, and jamming out to Christmas songs are a few favorites of mine. But I know from personal experience that with these special traditions and memories, come times of heartbreak and sadness for some.

Maybe your loved one who used to be around for your favorite holiday traditions is no longer here, or maybe you’ve never had great relationships with your family members, so seeing everyone send out their picture perfect Christmas cards can make you feel even more alone. Or maybe your Christmas will never be the same due to an unforeseen illness such as cancer. No matter the cause of your heartbreak or disappointment there are two things you should know.

1. I hear you and I see you. Even though our circumstances are probably different, I understand why you have pain around this time of year, and it is valid.

2. Despite the loneliness, bitterness, sadness, or anger you feel around this time of year, there is still hope. If you find this hope, you can experience all the joy in the world despite your circumstances.

I never understood the pain that the holidays can bring about until I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer right before Christmas. In fact, it was December 22nd, 2020 when I first received my diagnosis and thought to myself, “Christmas is never going to be the same.” Sadly, the trend of getting negative news around the holidays has continued for my family and me as I’ve repeatedly received bad scan reports at this time of year.

This year in particular has been especially and unexpectedly difficult. Once again my scans showed growth of cancer on my liver, but this time around my oncologist seemed less positive about the future. At this point in time she doesn’t believe that oral medications will be effective, so the plan is to go back to IV chemotherapy. Nolan and I left my appointment feeling devastated and to be frank, quite hopeless. Once again, our Christmas will be tainted by my depressing cancer diagnosis. I’ve found myself thinking “can’t we just have a normal, happy holiday again?!” Oh, how my family and I long for some good news! I’ve also asked myself if maybe God has put us through these trials around this time of year, because there are so many reminders of hope at Christmas time? After all, Christmas is a time in which we celebrate the greatest news of all, Jesus’ birth. A time where we rejoice because Jesus rescues us from our sins and frees us from the burdens of this world.

I was reading an advent devotional by Ruth Chou Simons, and a particular line really struck me. She writes, “Where you set your hope this Christmas season will determine how you find joy.” Since being diagnosed with a terminal illness, I have learned the hard way that there is so little I can put my hope in. All of the things I have trusted in the past—including my young and healthy body and medicine and medical technology—have continuously let me down. Many of my plans and dreams have been snatched away from me and each day is uncertain. The more I hope for a cancer free body, the more disappointed I become. I cannot put my hope in anything but my Lord and Savior or else my joy will be stolen for good.

This Christmas, I am once again reminded that my future is certain because of a baby boy who was born in a manger. Although my body is failing me, I have hope because I know that one day I will be freed from the awful, devastating pain I am experiencing now. My diagnosis may temporarily steal my happiness, but I know I can still experience genuine joy. This is one of the beautiful things about this time of year. As we anticipate Jesus’ birth we discover hope, and with that we receive His gifts of joy, peace, love, and when our time comes, eternal life with him, if we just believe. Instead of letting my diagnosis steal my joy this season, I am choosing to put my hope in God and trusting that He will supply me with all I ever need. This is not always an easy task, but the more time I spend in prayer and in scripture, the easier it is to remember His promises. Maybe the trials we face on earth are what we need to remember that Jesus is near, not only in the Christmas season, but for the rest of eternity. So, for the holidays this year, challenge yourself and ask: Where have I set my hope?