When the mountain seems immovable how do I still believe?

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel that life will never get better? That there's no hope left? This was me about a year ago. My life was completely turned around after receiving a stage IV breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 26. For awhile, all I could think about was that once this disease is deemed stage IV, or metastatic, it's incurable, a death sentence waiting to happen. While I pray I'm an outlier in the life expectancy statistics for metastatic breast cancer (three-five years after diagnosis), there is still a chance I'm not. As you can imagine, this is not fun to think about. Yet here I am, over a year later, surviving and thriving as I try to live my life as best as I can while facing a terminal illness. And while I definitely have my days of doubt, frustration, sadness, and hopelessness, I've found that I can still find happiness in life because there are many wonderful things I've been blessed with. This often surprises people. Whether or not they're facing a terminal illness themselves, they wonder and ask me these questions. How are you so strong and joyful all the time? How do you have faith when your situation is so distressing? How do you believe that God is good when he doesn't heal you? While the answers to these questions are complicated and require a deep trust unlike any other, I can say without a doubt that the one thing that has been made clear to me throughout my entire life, and especially through my crappy cancer diagnosis is that God is good and faithful.

One tangible way I know this is because I've experienced strength and peace unlike any other. People frequently tell me I handle my situation so well, and while I take these words as a compliment, I know the strength I'm portraying is something I could never muster up on my own. When I think about the first few weeks and months after my diagnosis, I think about the horrible thoughts and feelings I was experiencing on a daily basis. The cries of extreme disappointment, hurt, and anger. The questions of why and how did this happen to me. The frustrations of how unfair my situation is. The feelings that I was completely alone and that God had forsaken me. There were flashes in time that seemed to freeze and will stick in my memory forever because of the raw emotion and despair I felt in those moments. I specifically remember shortly after moving back to Michigan and seeing my Grand Rapids' friends for the first time since diagnosis. At that point in time, I had just found out that there was a questionable spot on my liver according to my PET scan. Up until this point I was just trying to get over the fact that I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 26 years old, but then on top of that, there was the chance that my cancer had spread. I remember sitting in my friend's kitchen, mourning this news with some of my best friends. Not only was I completely devastated, but I felt as though my body was failing me, and all of the unique qualities that make me a woman were being taken away from me and causing me extreme pain. Expressing these thoughts may have been some of the most vulnerable words I have spoken, but I knew I needed my friends and could rely on them to help support me and pray for me. Looking back, I'm so relieved I never have to relive those emotional moments. Many people had told me things would get better, and that the first few months after diagnosis were the hardest, but I didn't believe them. How could my life get better when I was diagnosed with a terminal illness? With stage IV cancer.

I am happy to say they were right. It does get easier. While time definitely helps, I know that the peace, strength, and sense of hope I've come to experience is no coincidence. The Lord has truly shown Himself to me through these difficult times as I've learned how to rely on Him completely. I have never spent as much time in prayer or in His word as I have over this past year. I hate to say that it took me being diagnosed with cancer to become closer to the Lord than ever before, but it's true. In fact, I've come to learn that even though I will never fully understand why I have to face this awful disease, I know that God has put me through these trials for a reason. Through these struggles He has revealed to me how faithful He is. He has never left my side, and it is because of His presence that I am able to experience peace, strength, joy, hope, patience, grace, and so much more. With that said, there are definitely still days where I feel down, disappointed, and just plain mad about my situation, but I'm now able to recognize that there can still be good days among the bad ones where I feel at peace about my situation. I truly could not live so gracefully with stage IV cancer without the Lord. So, when people say to me that I'm so strong, or I'm handling my situation so well, I know they are seeing the Lord sustaining me, and working through me.

I also know the Lord is good because of what the Bible tells us. Time and time again we see examples of God's faithfulness to His people. Although it can be so easy to read a story and see God's faithfulness from the outside, I can guarantee that the people in the Bible were experiencing some of the same emotions we do when God's timing and plans don't align with ours.

One of my favorite examples of this is the story of Moses and the Israelites as they attempt to flee from Egypt's evil ruler, or Pharaoh, and later travel through the wilderness. If you aren't familiar with the story, here's a brief synopsis: As an adult, Moses was chosen by God to lead the enslaved Israelites out of Egypt. Moses has an established relationship with Pharaoh because of his upbringing and attempts to reason with Pharaoh to "let his people, the Israelites, go" over ten times. Each time, Pharaoh refuses to free the Israelites. Finally Pharaoh's heart softens and he lets the Israelites go free, but even after they are freed, they wander in the wilderness to the land God promised them for 40 years. Can you imagine the Lord telling you that you would be freed as well as brought to the promised land and having it take 40 years?! Not to mention there were many hardships along the way such as Pharaoh making the work harder for the enslaved Israelites, crossing the Red Sea, and wandering in the desert without water. I can only imagine how frustrated, scared, and doubtful Moses and the Israelites felt. And yet, God was faithful and lived up to His promises, even if it took what seemed like forever.

As I reread this story and prepped to write this blog post, I noticed that God tells Moses over three times, "I am the Lord. The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob" (Genesis 2:24, 3:6, 3:15-16, 4:5). Now, why is this significant? I can guarantee that as Moses is facing his doubts and fears and questioning the plans the Lord has for him, that the Lord knows Moses needs to be reminded of His faithfulness. Although, it may have seemed impossible to lead the Israelites out of slavery, God reminds Moses that He was faithful to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and with each of these stories, God fulfills his promises to each individual in His own time. Not immediately!

This really hit home for me. There have been so many times when I've questioned why the Lord is putting me through these hardships and why He hasn't healed me, but I'm reminded of the countless stories of hardship in the Bible and how God never forsakes His people, and is there to provide for them, strengthen their spirits, and uphold them. The best part is, our God today is the same God he was back then, and he will fulfill His promises to us. Hebrews 13: 5-6 says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.'" Even when life deals us a bad hand, we know that the Lord knows what He's doing and can use our stories for good. Isaiah 55:9 says, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." This can be so hard to comprehend as, oftentimes, we think we know what is best for our lives. But ultimately, we do not know what the best path is. Even though it may be difficult, if you trust the Lord and remember His promises to you and me, you will experience His love and faithfulness. If you are having a hard time doing so, I encourage you to open your bible and read the stories of Moses, Abraham, Isaac, or Jacob, as well as countless others.

You may still be wondering: if God is faithful and keeps His promises, then why are all of these terrible things still occurring in the world such as war, division, poverty, and disease. It is so hard to understand why a good God would allow suffering, pain, or a complete wrench in your perfect plans. Especially when we read in Psalms that God will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). While we may think of things such as wealth, peace, a good job, or good health as the desires of our hearts, these things will not genuinely fulfill us. They might bring us joy and be a nice addition to our lives, but ultimately we're going to keep desiring more and more and still be left feeling dissatisfied. The Lord is the only one who can truly fill this void we so often experience. So when we read "the desires of our hearts will be given to us," we learn that God is telling us to seek Him first and then we will be completely satisfied.

In other parts of the Bible, we also see that God doesn't promise us a life of ease when we choose to follow Him. In fact, the Bible tells us, "We must go through hardships to enter the kingdom of God," and that "In this world [we] will have trouble" (Acts 14:22 and John 16:33). Although this may sound discouraging, we must remember that God puts us through trials and hardship for a reason. The reason being, that we will cling to Him ever so tightly, and as a result become more Christ-like. Scripture goes even further and tells us to "Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (James 1:2). It may seem somewhat nonsensical that God expects us to find joy in suffering, but when you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior, you will find a peace and contentment unlike any other when you trust in Him. Going through trials forces us to strengthen our faith because we must choose to rely on Christ that much more, especially when we are at our breaking point. In other words, when we are suffering and at our worst, Christ will uphold us and sustain us. As 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness... That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions. For when I am weak, then I am strong." How amazing is this!?

So, when I'm asked the difficult questions written at the beginning of this post, I can say with confidence that even in the midst of hardship, the Lord is my strength and keeps his promises to me regardless if I'm healed or not. In addition, while we may be waiting for God to answer our prayers, unlike many characters in the Bible, we don't have to wait for the coming Messiah, because Jesus already came down to earth to save us. Because of Christ, we have been offered eternal life with Him some day where we won't have to experience any of the pain of this world. This promise alone gives me so much hope, because although I may not know what my future here on earth looks like, I know where my future lies and for that I am so thankful.

Lastly, here are some links to a few songs if you're in need of encouragement. They've been very helpful and relatable to me in my times of hardship.

Songs

Faithful God - I am They https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUaS1Y-jyMk

Same God - Elevation Worship https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LawxIZE9ePE

Even If - MercyMe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

Trust in You - Lauren Daigle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv-SXz_exKE

Give Me Faith - Elevation Worship https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9w6284vC1w

How to live life to the fullest amidst a terminal disease

I’d be lying if I said that living with metastatic breast cancer isn’t the hardest, saddest, most challenging thing I’ve ever had to go through. But I’d also be lying if I said I haven’t been able to find joy in life since my diagnosis. Although life has been difficult, I am so thankful I’ve been able to live to the fullest and experience some form of happiness on a daily basis. I want to start off by saying that everyone has their own story and journey, so just because I have been able to find happiness in my life so soon does not mean everyone should/will feel the same. I’d also like to add, if you’re reading this and are newly diagnosed/at the beginning of your journey, it’s probably going to take you a while to find real joy again. When I was first diagnosed, I remember crying almost every day, waking up wishing my life was just a bad dream, and thinking it was never going to get easier. Fortunately, I was wrong! Here are some things I have done to find the good in each and every day, even when life just plain sucks.

1. Write down 3 things to be thankful for everyday. This idea was inspired through my therapist and has been a great reminder to me of all the blessings in my life. Such a simple thing, but a great way to remember there is still goodness in the world.

2. Rely on other people. Whether it’s family, friends, coworkers, or strangers trying to help you out and offer support, accept it. It can be a very strange and humbling feeling to lean on others, but I can tell you from experience that this has been so beneficial to me. If someone is offering a listening ear, talk with them and explain how you’re feeling, or verbalize what you need. I’ve had days where I’ve called up a friend just to chat, so I don’t have to be alone. Nolan (my husband) and I have been so fortunate to see the community come together for us. It’s definitely one of the positives that's come out of this tough situation.

3. Distract yourself through hobbies and activities you love. I’ve never been one to have a lot of hobbies. Because I’ve been unemployed since diagnosis, I definitely have a lot more time on my hands. I’ve always enjoyed reading, but never had the time to read as much as I wanted until this past year. Since I was diagnosed, I’ve read around 20 books which is a lot for me! On the slow, dreary days, I’ve worked on puzzles or coloring books while listening to music. I’ve found this has been one of the easiest ways to stop thinking about my hardships, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed with negative thoughts. I also have loved going on walks in nature. Whether it’s by myself, with my hubby or parents, and of course, my puppies, it’s truly relaxing to get outside and admire creation. Plus, it’s good for you! I also have tried to exercise for about 20 minutes a few times a week. This may seem like nothing, but for me it’s more than usual and is definitely beneficial for physical and mental health. All of these hobbies have proven to be quite therapeutic.

4. Get involved at church (or, if church isn’t for you, feed your spirituality and invest yourself in the community.) It has been so important and fulfilling for Nolan and me to get involved at our church. We joined a small group pretty soon after I was diagnosed with a bunch of young married couples, and they all have been such a blessing to us. It’s so amazing to have a community of believers encouraging us and praying for us. I also started singing as a worship leader and that has brought me so much joy. In addition, it’s so important to take time to pray, or meditate so you can fully process everything you’re going through. Another way to get involved with your community is to volunteer. It can be something simple such as serving a meal at a homeless shelter, or buying gifts around the holidays for those in need. When you see other people’s gratitude for your actions, it is so meaningful. It also can be a great reminder that you aren’t alone in your suffering.

5. Travel! I know we’ve been living through a pandemic, so this isn’t the easiest thing to do, but you can still make travel happen in a safe way! Before I was diagnosed, I was working as a travel nurse in the thick of the pandemic, but Nolan and I still found ways to enjoy the new places we were in. Whether it was going to the beach or a national park, or trying new restaurants, it’s all so worth it. We also have visited Nolan’s family in Washington which is so important during this time. On top of that, we are planning a trip to the Dominican Republic at an all inclusive resort. Nolan and I have never traveled internationally together, and neither of us have been to an all inclusive resort, so this was a must do for us! So, get out there and see the world!

6. Live like you are dying. Although this phrase is somewhat ironic, it’s really been beneficial to me. Each day is such a gift, and I wake up knowing I want to make the most of it; After all, a new day is never guaranteed. Whether it’s having a lazy day, and chilling, eating your favorite snacks while watching Netflix, or whether it’s planning a trip to an all-inclusive with your best friends, do whatever brings you joy and is something you’ve always wanted to do. Just because you’re sick, doesn’t mean you can’t do all of the things you’ve dreamed of doing. (I realize cancer can be physically debilitating, but on the days you’re feeling well, try and do as much as you can within reason.) Even through cancer, I’m checking off as many items on my bucket list as possible!

7. Practice self care. This could mean getting a massage or pedicure, journaling, putting on makeup and dressing up, or snuggling up in a blanket and watching your favorite show. Self care looks different for everyone, but find something that makes you feel good and helps you relax. We all know how busy life gets and taking some time for yourself is vital to be able to enjoy the fun times in life.

These are just some of the things I’ve done to find joy in my life and feel as though my life is still “normal” despite having a cancer diagnosis. I hope you can take these tips to heart and find your own happiness no matter how difficult your situation is. Keep smiling,