It's okay to ask if I'm okay

According to google, the definition of grief is the response to significant loss, specifically when someone we love dies. While sadly many people have experienced this type of grief, I believe there are many other circumstances in life that bring about grief. Living with cancer brings about grief because I am mourning many losses. The loss of the life I once had prior to a cancer diagnosis. The loss of future dreams and plans that were previously mapped out in my spouse's and my head. The loss of physical features that were a part of me including my hair and ovaries. Experiencing grief and mourning can affect your physical, social, spiritual, mental, and emotional health, so to say grief is difficult is no understatement. You can grieve something for so long and never fully recover from the trauma that you've been through. It truly impacts you for the rest of your life. And yet, many times a lot of the people you know, apart from close family and friends, are too afraid to ask how you're doing; or maybe they've just forgotten.

After speaking with others who have gone through different types of loss, such as the death of a family member, health problems, or a miscarriage, I've discovered that while the subject of our grief may be different, we have one thing in common. We all want to know that others care about our hardships, and we want to be asked how we're doing.

Since my original diagnosis I've definitely noticed that as time goes on people rarely ask me how I'm doing, unless I bring up my diagnosis myself. This has led me to feel somewhat alone in my suffering, and to ponder the fact that others' lives will continue to move on like normal. This is not a great feeling and leaves me wondering if people really care. At first I thought I was the only one who felt this way, but I then discovered that Nolan, my parents, and my siblings all feel the same way. Not to mention, close friends who're going through other trials have expressed similar thoughts and feelings. It's definitely not fun to feel alone in your suffering and as if no one cares, and while I know this isn't true, I'm sharing this because I think there is something that can be done. The aim of this post is not to cause feelings of guilt or pity, but instead to help people understand that it's okay to ask questions about my cancer diagnosis, or how I'm holding up mentally. And most likely it's okay to ask your other friends and family members how they're doing when they're going through difficult times.

Before I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer, I can honestly say I rarely faced any significant hardship. I remember when my close friends were going through difficult times such as parents getting divorced, or a grandparent dying and not really knowing what to say to them. How could I say anything helpful when my life was so "easy" and I couldn't relate to their situation? I found myself feeling sympathetic towards these people, wishing I could be empathetic, but struggling to find a way how.

Fast forward to receiving my cancer diagnosis, and having a completely new perspective on life. Now I'm the one who is going through a devastating hardship and there is so much I have learned because of it. Most importantly, it's better to acknowledge grief than to act as if it doesn't exist. While this may seem obvious, there have been so many times where I'm desperately wondering when the next time someone will reach out and show they really care will be. I think back to the days prior to diagnosis, and feeling as though my words would be inadequate when someone else was going through a difficult time. But I now recognize that just asking someone how they're doing means a whole lot more than saying nothing at all. I know it can be awkward, and you may not know what to say - trust me, I've been there before - but it means soooo much when someone reaches out to check in. I also think people don't want to ask because they're afraid of upsetting me and Nolan, or reminding us of our unfortunate situation. But I promise you, we'd both rather have someone show they care and recognize the gravity of our situation rather than ignoring it. I hate to break it to you, but it's not like we ever fully forget that I have cancer, so while you may feel intimidated bringing it up, we won't be upset. Worst case scenario, you bring it up, and we say we don't feel like talking about it right now.

I've also discovered that even if you can't relate to what I'm going through, I'd still rather hear from you. Don't feel stupid or inadequate. Simply asking how I'm doing or saying you're sorry I'm going through this and I don't deserve it means so much. Even if you don't know what to say, it will make an impact and help me feel supported. Not to mention I totally understand why there can be awkward silences when talking about stage IV cancer, but I'm more than happy to change the subject if needed. Just think about whatever struggles you're going through. Whether it's stress at work or school, the loss of a family member, or feeling down mentally, isn't it nice to have someone reach out to ask how you're holding up? Other people may not be able to fully relate to what you're going through, but it's the thought that counts.

Another thing I've noticed is that people tend to ask Nolan or the rest of my family how I'm doing rather than directly asking me. While I totally understand why people do this - they don't want to overwhelm or burden me with thoughts and questions - there are definitely a few ways this can backfire. Unfortunately, I don't always hear about these conversations, and that's when those feelings of loneliness or that no one cares creep in. The second issue with asking Nolan or my family members how I'm doing is that they can often end up feeling forgotten themselves. We've found that people always ask Nolan how I'm doing, but rarely ask him how he's doing. Although he may not physically be sick like me, he is going through this emotional pain and suffering just as much as I am, if not more! Same goes for our parents, siblings, and close friends. So, while it is completely understandable to ask my family and close friends how I'm doing, I'd encourage you to ask them how they're doing as well.

God created us as relational beings and commands us to be there for others in times of grief. It may be the nice thing to do, to be there for others in times of need, but it's also a great reminder that we're called to do so by God. This will not only strengthen your relationships with your loved ones, but it will also show you care and clear away the doubts in their minds that others don't care about their situation. This is such a great reminder that even in the valley's of life we are not alone. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too." It's really so humbling, yet amazing that Christ suffered for us and because of this can relate to us in our own suffering. In a perfect world we wouldn't have to face the difficulties of life, but unfortunately this isn't the case, so we might as well do all that we can to be there for others in times of need. You never know how much of a difference that simple text, card, or conversation can make.