Seemingly Harmless Topics That Can Become Harmful

Coming up with a title for this blog post was quite difficult. The topics I've listed below have become sensitive to me, especially since being diagnosed with cancer, but I know these topics can cause pain to so many other people who are facing completely different life challenges. Everything I share below is from my personal experience, but I do not want to exclude friends and family who may feel similarly towards these subjects. I believe what I discuss below only skims the surface of some of these deep conversations, but I did my best to explain in a short manner some topics that have recently felt like a gut punch.

1. Bashing your physical appearance with statements like..."My hair looks so bad today," or "I look so gross in that picture." One frustrating thing about being a woman, especially in today's culture, is the constant focus on physical appearance. As women, we have become so critical of our own appearances whether or not we like to admit it. I have heard the phrases above numerous times from pretty much every woman I know, including myself. It's almost a habit, or something we feel we have to say if we don't look "perfect." While these phrases bothered me minimally before, I have to admit hearing these things brought me a lot of pain after being diagnosed, especially during chemo. There were multiple times when people stated how terrible their hair or eyebrows looked in that old picture, or even just complimented someone else on their luscious locks or new, cute hairstyle. Meanwhile, I'm in the middle of chemo with little to no hair and really struggling to feel beautiful. I've shed a lot of tears over the past year, but I think the time I cried most - every single day - was when my hair was falling out. I believe in general we should make an effort to minimize negative talk about our bodies, but I want to urge you to be especially aware of this type of talk in front of someone with cancer. You never know how much someone is struggling internally with their physical appearance, and the last thing I wanted to hear is how "bad" someone's hair looks, when I was wishing so badly I could just have hair.

2. Discussing pregnancy/children constantly... While it may seem like second nature to talk about your baby or kids this is definitely a sensitive subject for those of us with cancer, as well as many other women struggling with infertility. Because I was diagnosed at such a young age, I had to harvest my eggs and freeze embryos with less than a month's notice because I needed chemotherapy. Chemo often damages your ovaries and eggs, so it is quite common for women who do not have children yet to go through this process. While I was fortunate and had success with one round of egg harvesting, because my cancer is stage IV, I most likely will never be able to carry my own baby because I will be on medication that prevents this for the rest of my life. I also recently had surgery to remove my ovaries because my cancer is hormone positive, and my young and healthy ovaries were releasing too much estrogen that could cause my cancer to grow. While I know having this surgery, as well as having stage IV cancer is pretty much a guarantee that I will never be able to carry my own children, this is a hard pill to swallow. Especially, because my husband and I would probably be trying to have kids right now if our circumstances were different. Since we most likely will not be able to have our own kids, it can be very difficult and triggering to hear about other people's pregnancies, newborn babies, or even toddlers when that is something we want so badly but will most likely never be able to have. I also personally know multiple women who have opened up to me and struggled with infertility or losing babies. Even though the reason they may not be able to have kids is different from mine, they tend to experience the same emotions and pain that I do. On the other side of the spectrum, I have spoken with many women with metastatic cancer who already have kids, and know they face their own struggles. Having to think about a future where their children may not have a mother is so heartbreaking, so I urge you to just be extra sensitive when discussing your kids. Comments such as "I wonder where Bobby will go to college" or "I'm so excited for Jane to get married" can be triggering if you're wondering if you'll even be around to see that day. This leads me to the next topic…

3. Frequently discussing future plans and how years from now this will happen... I recognize it is completely normal to talk about the future, but I would encourage you to do so less frequently with those facing a terminal disease. One of the hardest changes in my life since diagnosis is being unable to plan for the future. It doesn't help that I'm a planner to begin with. I have truly had to learn how to live days to weeks at a time and it's been so difficult. Even though I may make travel plans, for example, in the back of my mind I am always wondering if I will physically and mentally be okay to actually participate in those plans. Nolan and I also have had to completely change our plans multiple times since diagnosis. Unfortunately, that's kind of how life goes, and it's no fun. One example of this is we were preapproved for a mortgage and put an offer on a house back in the fall of 2020. We obviously didn't get the house, but our plan was to buy a house in the next few months once we completed travel nursing. I received my breast cancer diagnosis in December 2020, and since then so many things have changed. I had to stop working, and as a result, we could no longer buy a house like we had been planning on. I share this information to give some perspective. It's not that we never want to hear about others' future plans... I'd love to know if you're moving, getting a new job, or planning on having kids down the line; but if it is a frequent point of discussion, it can be difficult to take in. I try not to compare my life to everyone else's, but it's so hard not to, especially when I'm craving a sense of normalcy. Along with talking about future plans, some common phrases that have stung to hear are, "I can't wait for 40 years from now when we'll all be old ladies together," or "having your own house is the best.” I know no one says these phrases with ill intent! I just want to raise awareness so others can be sensitive about these subjects.

All this being said, the last thing I want is to make people feel guilty about things they've said to me in the past, or for others to feel guilty when their lives continue to move forward and their good friends' or family members' don't. The goal of this blog post is to somehow try to find a happy medium where these topics are still discussed, but minimally. I also recognize there is a lot I need to work on including not becoming envious of others. This is so difficult, especially in today's society. There are so many expectations today that can make you feel unsuccessful if you don't achieve every item on the list. As a female you must be beautiful, find a husband before you're too old, and have kids "on time," all while working a full time job. It all sounds so silly, but it's true, and I know I'm not alone in this.

One realization I've made through my cancer hardships is that everyone has a unique story, and even though it may seem like some people have it all - the looks, the house, the kids, the job - I need to do my best to avoid comparison as it NEVER helps the situation. Along with this I have been trying to learn and remember that while many people around me seem to be "ahead in life," God hasn't forgotten me - He is still writing my story, just in a different way. It may be the complete opposite of what I ever imagined and that can be so tough to handle, but deep down I know and trust that my story will be used for good.